Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.