Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
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Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Waiting for the Charmin
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please