Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
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Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do