@envydatropic: Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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@tacsanitchiban: Old friend: Wow! When the hell did you grow a beard? Me: This morning. On the way here. Just felt like it was time.
@Beerhaze: Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn't burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.
@JohnLyonTweets: The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I'm never entirely sure we really made plans.
@i_Lean: Studying abroad: Spending months in another country. Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.