Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
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Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?