Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I need better friends
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
We found love in a hopeless place.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”