fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it