@bwebster76: Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?
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@briancthayer: *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don't think "flipping the bird" means what you think it means.
@geo_teira: [at a restaurant] Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out. Waiter: yes ma'am, that's the continental drift breakfast.
@HallpassCanada: Whenever someone asks how i'm doing & walks away before i answer..I write "GREAT" on the side of thier car with my keys!
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Feel free to name your next kid after me. Coworker: Why would I name my kid “Giant Douchebag?”