@bwebster76: Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don't have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?
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@Dan_Haak: Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun! EMT: dude your gonna die if you si- Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
@WhaJoTalkinBout: My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan's Valentine.
@huntigula: [at aquarium] "Kids, the blowfish is named bc of its cheeks" BLOWFISH: [taps glass] actually that's a common misconception, got any cocaine?
@Cheeseboy22: I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.