Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Buck naked
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.