Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
this is me
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.