Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids