@OhNoSheTwitnt: Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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@TySmithdrums: When I'm at a bar with my cousin she doesn't think it's funny when I yell 'BUT HE'S YOUR GYNECOLOGIST!' every time the music dies down.
@notacroc: [getting my license] Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
@0point5twins: "I bumped into your wife yesterday" "Oh, where?" "You know the café opposite the S&M club?" "Yes" "Opposite that café"
@internetluke: Jeff is here! "Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room" Jeff is here!