Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
an airline just for babies.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.