WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
You Might Also Like
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
☠️☠️☠️
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.