*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!