NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
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Come back with a warrant
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
I want this so bad
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!