if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.