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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
life finds a way
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
dam girl
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
the last thing a carrot sees
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.