Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
🤣could you imagine
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue