When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
True.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective