Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
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Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.