Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
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I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My Plans 2020
My birthstone is a marshmallow
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.