@sammyrhodes: Do they make a scale that says things like "Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?"
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@david8hughes: I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
@ibid78: [goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him [goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
@BeardSpice: BOSS: I don't know if you're the right man for the job BAKER: NO PLEASE *holds up dough* I KNEAD THIS