@sammyrhodes: Do they make a scale that says things like "Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?"
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@sofarrsogud: I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley. After months of therapy I'm finally battling my Damons.
@shivillex: North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
@InThaBurbs: Taking my sunglasses out of 2's hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
@jdbalani: The self checkout lane was probably invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.