“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
the clam before the storm
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Duolingo getting serious.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.