Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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I hope Alan is OK
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
The old gods are rising again.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Thanks to a fan for this one!
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
One venti cheeseburger please.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*