Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
When does CPR become necrophilia?