@poopidoop: Do transformers buy car or life insurance?
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@behindyourback: Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
@brynnester: [Driving Lesson] "You've been learning a few weeks now" Me:Yes "Progress has been slow" Me:Yes "Perhaps it's time you sat up front with me?"
@CarelWillemse: Uber driver: "I'm close, where are you?" Me: "oh I see you" Uber Driver: "Are you the guy in the middle of the road?" Me: "yeah floor it"
@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex