“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
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Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.