do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.