Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
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me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*