11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Worst Native American name ever.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]