do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.