ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
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Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Stop sending me this shit.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting