Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Monday Lisa
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Childbirth is so beautiful
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
No way!
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Hard not to take this personally
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.