This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
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If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.