@TheMichaelRock: Do women know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
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@davidkenny100: About to hit the ball Boss: you said you'd played before? Me: uh yes Boss: that's a putter Me: Is that wrong? Boss: wrong for squash yes
@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon. She learned to fight in prison.
@SexySillyGrl: You call it nervousness or having the jitters. I call it, I think my body was possessed by a meth addict in detox. Samesies?