@TheMichaelRock: Do women know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
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@Darlainky: [at lunch with friend] Friend: ... but you didn't hear that from me. Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what? Friend: Exactly *winks*
@AbbyHasIssues: I just typed "cupkale" instead of "cupcake" and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
@jbryantiii: As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.