Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Home #decor warning.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
greetings!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me