Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
You Might Also Like
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.