Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Owl Sanctuary
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her