I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
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I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
They got a point!
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.