Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
#oldknees
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can