Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
December birthdays be like…
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.