Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom