@rachelle_mandik: do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they're viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
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@bobby: [neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
@HairyJew4Life: Me: Why does it take you forever to text me back? *3 hours later* Her: What are you talking about?
@MartaEffing: My date told me he was 32 years old. I responded by saying, 'that's how many teeth adult humans have'. I sure hope he asks me out again.
@kelownagoose: If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I'll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.