Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Mad Max Arctic Road
Spring cleaning checklist…
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Only a mother’s love …
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”