“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Wise advice
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.