@SalimAliAhmad: Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
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@downfront: Scientists discover that Jupiter's moon, Europa, may be suitable for human habitation. When asked to comment Jupiter stated, "Oh, hell no."
@mikefossey: BuzzFeed writer (innocently): hey friends. as a friendly activity, tell me your funny anecdotes. coincidentally I have an article due soon
@Eightinchgoat: The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year's "no murder" resolution.
@CroweJam: Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.