My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch