I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
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Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
The cashier just checked me out.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.