My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
looks legit
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Weirdly Wednesday.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*