leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*