Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
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I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
2022 will be better than 2021
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Wise advice
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.