Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
You Might Also Like
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.