Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets