Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
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[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
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*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.